When Someone Asks How You’re Really Doing… and You Shut Down
Mar 10, 2025There are moments when someone genuinely asks, "How are you really doing?" or "You can talk to me, you know." Well-intended, maybe even loving, yet instead of feeling invited to share, something else happens. You freeze. You shut down. All the words that may have been swirling in your mind just a moment ago suddenly disappear.
And while the other person looks at you, waiting for an answer, you feel nothing but a huge internal block. You feel the pressure to say something, but what? How do you explain what’s happening inside when you can’t even find the words?
Why Do You Shut Down?
Shutting down is a form of freezing, an automatic nervous system response to feeling overwhelmed. This often happens when:
- The question is too direct or unexpected.
- You don’t feel emotionally safe enough to share.
- You’ve learned to keep your feelings to yourself.
- You don’t really know what you feel or how to put it into words.
- You sense that there isn’t enough space for your real answer.
At its core, it’s a defense mechanism. Your body and mind retreat because it feels like too much, too fast, or too unsafe to respond.
The Underlying Layer: Why Does It Feel Unsafe?
On the surface, it may not seem logical that a well-meaning question triggers such a strong block. But looking deeper, it might relate to past experiences where you weren’t truly heard or understood. Maybe you once shared your feelings, only to be met with unwanted advice, dismissed emotions, or judgment.
Sometimes, it’s also an internal conflict. A part of you wants to share, but another part whispers, "Better not. What if it’s too much? What if they don’t understand? What if they think you’re overreacting?"
The Unspoken Rules of Vulnerability
In our society, there’s a lot of talk about being open and vulnerable, but in reality, there are still unspoken rules:
- You can share, but not too much.
- You can be vulnerable, but you need to recover quickly.
- You can open up, but don’t make it uncomfortable.
This creates an internal dilemma: Is this a genuine invitation to share, or just a polite question where I should quickly say, ‘Yeah, I’m fine’ and move on?
What Can You Do When You Shut Down?
First of all: be kind to yourself. The fact that you shut down doesn’t mean something is wrong with you. It simply means your system is still figuring out how to feel safe in these situations.
Here are a few things that might help:
- Take your time – You don’t have to answer immediately. A deep breath, a pause, or saying "That’s a big question, let me think for a moment" can create space.
- Start small – You don’t have to reveal everything at once. A simple "That’s hard to answer" or "I’m not sure how to put it into words" can already open a door.
- Feel into the other person – Are they truly listening? Do you feel safe with them? You’re allowed to decide that now is not the right time to share.
- Write it down first – Sometimes, putting your thoughts into words on paper helps before speaking them out loud.
- Recognize your pattern – The more you notice when you shut down, the more awareness you gain about what triggers it and what you need in those moments.
The Question Behind the Question
Sometimes, shutting down isn’t just about the directness of the question but also about your own longing to be heard… and the fear that it won’t happen in the way you need. True vulnerability requires not just a listening ear, but also a space where your feelings are truly allowed to exist—without rush, without judgment, and without the expectation that you should have it all figured out.
If you haven’t often experienced that kind of space, it makes sense that you momentarily freeze when someone suddenly seems to offer it. Maybe it’s not something that can be solved in an instant. But it starts with acknowledging: Yes, this happens to me. And that’s okay. From there, you can gradually explore how to give yourself the space to share, even when words don’t come easily.
Stay connected with news and updates!
Join our mailing list to receive the latest news and updates from our team.
Don't worry, your information will not be shared.
We hate SPAM. We will never sell your information, for any reason.
